Luck of The Draw

This is it, another year coming to a close. It's time to say goodbye to 2019. Say goodbye to those 12 months that have brought happiness, sadness and WTF moments.


I'll be honest- I have written this post about 3 or 4 times. I start off strong, but somewhere around the middle, I stop writing but I keep on coming back to it. I think that sums up 2019 for me. It started off well. I had good intentions and focused on all the right things that made me happy and built my confidence to want, say and do things I wanted, things I'd previously denied myself.

2019 brought happiness with myself. I started a new hobby; it didn't last long, I went for about a month but I did it! I said yes and was more social events, I visited friends that I hadn't seen in ages, I went to a wedding (I love weddings!), I met new people and made friendship stronger.

But life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Somewhere around Summer, grief and loss reared its ugly head and affected my life in different ways; Cancer made my small family even smaller, a 10-year friendship came to a brutal end and has rippled into other friendships and a messy break up within the family changed the family dynamic. With all this, I was torn but I knew I wanted to escape from reality for a bit, so I went looking for support in the wrong places.

But gradually, I listened to my heart again. I got back on course again and put myself first again. There are still hiccups. I'm human, I'll make mistakes, but what I've learned is how you deal with them afterward and how you learn from it.

So to stop me rambling on, I decided to sum it what I've learned from 2019.

1. The most important relationship you'll ever have is the one you have with yourself. 
2. Follow your intuition- 9/10 times you're right.
3.  Don't take things personally. It's hard when your brain is wired a certain way but if you believe that someone has a problem with you, ask them. 
4. Find happiness within yourself and not in other people.
5. Friends will come and go. If they're true friends, they'll stay in your life no matter what.
6. Respond, don't react...
7. ...but sometimes, not everything/everyone needs a response.
8. Be spontaneous more. Overthinking is the killing of joy.
9. Actions speak louder than words.
10. View people for who they are, not who you want them to be. 
11. Treat people how you want to be treated but remember, not everyone has the same heart as you.
12. Be present. It's hard but sometimes, your mind plays tricks on you

Earlier today, I was trying on clothes and I hated how everything looked on me. I think it was just one of those days but I went down the rabbit hole of self hatred and negative self-image talk. I got myself into a tizz but got some reassurance from those who would be honest with me, I decided to switch my focus on what I did like about myself. So here I am with 5 things I like about myself.

1. SENSE OF HUMOUR
   I love making people laugh. There's nothing better than telling a story, keeping someone entertained and hearing them laugh at the end. There's no better feeling than hearing someone saying "you really cheer me up" or "Thanks, I really needed that today." Although I'm not the smartest person, I think I'm witty so I do come out with some oneliners. I've been told I should do stand up. Doubt I would ever do it but it's a nice thought, making a room full of people laugh
   
   
                                        
2. SUPPORTIVE
   I've learnt that there's a difference between someone wanting advice and someone wanting to unload onto you. So whatever they're after, I know that I wouldn't judge them on it, or make it into an issue, or say something like we're still talking about this? I've been in those situations and it's not nice feeling where you feel like you're defending yourself, or trying to live your life their way. Obviously, I'll try and be honest but tactful ya know? but I'll give what support I can whatever it may be.
3. HOURGLASS FIGURE
   This one I'm going to swiftly talk about because it's my body ya know? I can list more negatives than positives but the silhouette of my figure is an hourglass and I like it. That is all. Moving on!
4. ALWAYS LEARNING
   When I wrote my post about what I watched in November, I realised that after every film and TV Show, I was researching it. Then I realised I've constantly been doing it all my life. One example is a couple of years ago, someone mentioned Childish Gambino to me over text in a conversation. At the time, I never heard of them so I googled him and went on his wiki page and other websites about him. I got lost in researching because the person sent a follow text going "You're looking him up now aren't you?" The trivia page on IMDB is a favourite of mine. I like to learn and I'm always learning. Please don't question me on it or think I would be great a pub quiz, I don't retrain the information. It goes in one ear and out the other.
5. SECOND CHANCES
   Nobody is perfect and sometimes, we let our emotions rule over being rational. I know I've made mistakes but I believe that everyone is worthy of a second chance. I also give out third, fourth, fifth chances too but either way, life is too short. If they're meant to be in your life, by treating you well and right, sometimes you've got to start fresh!

Do you think I can have one more kiss? I'll find closure on your lips, and then I'll go. Maybe also one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I'll be full and happy and we can part. But in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time. One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely as I rest my head on your chest. My hope is if we add up the "one mores" they will equal a lifetime and I'll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that's not real is it? There are no more one mores. 

I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seem endless. And they still are... for you, for me, but not for us. Somewhere between then and now, here and there, I guess we didn't just grow apart, we grew up. When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don't break, they shatter. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And in those moments when the pieces of what we were catch the sun, I'll remember just how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it'll always be. Because it was US. And we were magic. Forever

One believe that I've always had and will always have is that I believe in fate, timings, whatever you wanna call it- everything happens for a reason is my mantra! When life feels like shit, I do find it hard to believe in my mantra and whatever that reason may be but I know I'll find one! So whenever I feel overwhelmed or obsessed with controlling life or timing, there are always 3 films that I turn to, to calm me down, relax me and make me believe in my mantra again.








I was 13/14 when I first saw this film and it's stuck with me ever since.  It's about Helen, (Gwyneth Paltrow) who gets fired from her PR company and her life after she misses her train but in a parallel universe, she catches the train, which triggers a completely different turn of events. Throughout the film, you see how different the lives are because of one event. It's easy to go through life asking yourself the "what if" questions and "the almost" when life gets tough as it normally leads you to somewhere, or to someone, that you never imagined you'd go or know. I won't spoil the ending but it ties up nicely that's what's meant for you won't pass you by and will come to you at the right time.

Fun fact: After I saw the film, I went out and got my hair cut like Helen did. I loved it.






I was a similar age to Sliding Doors when I saw this film.  John Cusuack and Kate Beckingsale star as the two main characters who meet a random night in New York City at Christmas. Their chemistry is obvious but they let fate determine if they are meant to be together. So Sara, Kate Beckingsale's character, writes her phone number on a dollar bill to go and spend in a shop to let fate decide and John's character, Jonathan if it'll return back to him to contact her. They go about their lives but still hope that destiny reunites them. This film is magical and you see how their lives do cross throughout the film by they miss each other by seconds. I don't think the concept would work now with the digital world we live in BUT still, how great would it be to do something like this! 

If two people are meant to be, they'll find their way to each other.






It's a shame not many people have heard about this as it's incredibly thought-provoking about relationships. It's about a woman called Oona, played by Emma Caulfield, who has a Timer that countdowns to when she meets her soulmate but the only problem is that hers' is blank! When a Timer is blank, it means that your soulmate hasn't got one installed. If you don't believe in soulmates, then you'll think the concept is bullshit. BUT the way every single one of us views relationships and what it means and what we do is highlighted in this film. You see Oonah's attitude change on how she views relationships and what's she after, you'll start thinking about your attitude towards it all and what it means to be present instead of counting down to something. 

There's one scene in particular that just boils down why people get obsessed and worked up over time and relationships. I highly recommend this film.

I know all these films are about love or love is the main focus but meh, the rules apply to everything about life; everything happens for a reason!

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